Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Several thousands pupils have joined a Facebook group in protest at a History exam they judge to be unfair because it was “rock hard”. The A-level, exam, which asked questions about the past and stuff like that, was thought by many pupils to be “unfair”.
Chelsea captain John Terry has admitted getting caught up in a dangerous game of Fantasy WAGS League in which footballers earn points for bagging wives of other footballers.
Fashion fop Gok Wan has unveiled his latest range of terrorist clothing that is “really going to be in this season”. The Channel 4 luvvie was tasked by Osama bin Laden to come up with a totally new image for the 21st century terrorist.
Apple boss Steve Jobs proudly unveiled his iShit yesterday in front of a stunned audience of admirers. “It’s the sleekest, shiniest turd ever to hit the market”, said Jobs. “The iShit is going to revolutionise the way you all look at pooh.”
Bosses at First Capital Connect have been accused of “coming up with their own stats” to hide what some have described as “the single worst travel experience since the invention of the wheel.” One of the stats bosses have used to portray themselves in a good light is that ‘92% of FCC employees smile at least twice a day, a 6.2% increase on last year.’
US shock jock Rush Limbaugh is shedding audience after claims were made that he was seen recycling. Senior management at the radio station are “alarmed” at the drop in audience figures, while Limbaugh strenuously denies any “bed-wetting liberal” activity such as recycling.
Scientists have revealed that the secret to Noel Edmonds’ enduring youth is that he is cryogenically frozen after every programme he records. Edmonds, whose real age is 215, decided to embark on the ambitious life-prolonging freezing schedule shortly after Swapshop ended in the early 1980s.
While Britain breathes a sigh of relief that it has finally come out of recession, the Humberside town of Dullby today proudly proclaimed that it “didn’t want to come out of recession” and that it was happy where it was. Town Mayor Dexter Downbeatte told reporters “we’re in the doldrums and no amount of positive spin is going to get us out of it, now leave us alone.”
As the Goldilocks burglary case entered its fifth day in the High Court, David Cameron waded into the ongoing row by claiming that a Conservative government would “come down hard” on criminals like “that blonde-headed cat burglar”, Goldilocks.
Chester Roadkill sees himself as a man with a purpose in life: to teach CEOs how to re-adjust to the real world by speaking “life English” instead of management-speak. His school continues to grow, and he is set to expand even further with several new teachers joining next month.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
