A hush fell upon the table as key talks began at the Wyvern Pub in East Finchstead last night; key talks that could define the very future of the world. In the one corner, representing “the common man”, Dave Davison. In the other corner, representing “the other common man”, Jim Barrouclough-Harpison. The subject: everything that’s wrong with the world.

The minutes of the meeting were immediately made available to world leaders, although it is unsure of whether they have read them or not. The problems of the world, and solutions to those problems, were debated at length in the Wyvern, and sources close to the pair say that they “almost agreed” to unilateral solutions.

High on the agenda was climate change. “A load of old baloney”, said Davison, to which Barrouclough-Harpison nearly agreed, saying “I know where you’re coming from, but hang on a minute…”. Fisticuffs nearly ensued, until Davison placated Barrouclough-Harpison by agreeing to recycle his beer bottles – a far cry from the original proposal of installing solar panels on his roof, but a compromise that the delegates in Copenhagen would have envied.

The economy gained equal billing on the summit agenda. Davison, known to favour a market-led economy with a small government was on the front foot, pooh-poohing Barrouclough-Harpison’s community-led, large government politics. “Keynes was a f’cking God” opined Davison, before Barrouclough-Harpison entered the debate with “You know what, there are elements of Communism that aren’t all that bad.” Oohs and aahs echoed around the chamber as Davison glared back at his fellow delegate. “You’re treading on thin ice”, he replied. “Very thin ice, my friend.”

“No, no, hear me out”, insisted Barrouclough-Harpison, before entering into a passionate plea for “the old days” when you could leave your door open and trust your neighbours not to rob you to death. This evidently struck a chord with Davison who pledged to do all he can to “reduce burglaries on my street” and “return us back to the glory days”.

“I love you”, Davison said, as if to bring this heated topic on the agenda to a warm conclusion.

Iran was one subject on which the two agreed wholeheartedly. “Let’s just bomb the buggers and be done with it,” was Davison’s opening salvo. Barrouclough-Harpison took out his pen as if to sign on the dotted line, saying “you’re the best friend a man can have”, but chose instead to seal the deal with a shot of tequila.

The most heated moment of the whole conference came when Davison touched upon the subject of gays in the military. “I mean, you’ve got to think about morale of the troops and all that”, he started, before Barraclough-Harpison pushed him too far by saying “I’d let them in, no question.”

At that point, Davison withdrew from the summit, claiming that he “had to pee”, but sources within the Davison camp said that he was “fuming at Barraclough-Harpison’s attitude” and that he was taking time out to reflect on whether this summit was really worth it at all.

His opponent took a few moments outside to “calm down and have a fag”, and was even considering “taking a cab and just abandoning this whole summit thing altogether”. However, advisers persuaded both men to return to the negotiating table, and a compromise position was eventually reached that stated “gays shall be allowed into the military, but only if they don’t mince around, and only if they’ve proved themselves to be well hard and not to go around looking at the Taliban’s arses.”

The relief was palpable, and from that moment on, the two came to solid, substantial agreements on the future of the Tory party, single mother benefits, council tax and the sticky case of whether or not the orange ball should be brought out when it snows at football matches.

As the summit came to a close, sources from both camps declared themselves “satisfied”, despite reports that Davison had been seen vomiting – probably due to exhaustion.

“The boys can be proud of what they’ve achieved tonight”, said bartender Griff Pompous-Jones. “They’ve managed to solve most of the world’s problems without breaking a single glass.”