His was a career that spanned generations and enlightened many. As the man in the Bungle bear suit on Rainbow, Alan Portly-Frucksuit had the world at his feet. Today, however, he is displaying disturbingly bear-like symptoms that doctors say are potentially irreversible, and possibly disastrous.

“I break into cars and steal honey”, said Portly-Frucksuit. “I even mauled someone on the street yesterday. In short, I’m a bit of a hazard to society. This never used to happen. I played Bungle for over 20 years, and not once did I display any bear-like symptoms.”

As Bungle, Portly-Frucksuit enjoyed the life of a rock-star. “It was a life many would envy,” he said, scraping out the remnants of a jar of maple syrup. “There would be two, sometimes three parties a night. Orgies, drinking competitions, holidays in Barbados. As Bungle, the women were falling at my feet. They just couldn’t believe I was the man in the bearsuit.”

“Things started to go downhill once I was sacked for playing Bungle naked. How would anyone have known that underneath the bearsuit I had no clothes on? I don’t think Thames TV were really thinking about it.”

“The man who replaced me had no panache. They got him from acting school – he was fresh – no experience. He just looked like a man in a bearsuit. I was Bungle.”

Being replaced still clearly rankles with Portly-Frucksuit. His replacement caused controversy as many children suddenly realised that Bungle was not a real bear, and was in fact a man playing a bear. ITV at the time tried to brush off the affair by saying that nothing had changed, and refused to bring back Portly-Frucksuit.

“It’s been years since I stopped playing Bungle, and work has dried up. But it’s only now that the bear-like symptoms have started.”

Portly-Frucksuit will be seeking help in the spring when his hibernation ends, and hopes that the next bout of Rainbow nostalgia will remind people of when Bungle was played by an actor, and not by a man in a bearsuit.