Alfred Azalea-Sprouts is a man who has shied away from the glare of publicity all his life. Unfortunately for him, he has become famous as the last person in the UK never to have appeared on reality TV.

Bookmakers have been taking bets on which reality TV show he will finally appear on, with “Come Dine With Me” the current 11/8 favourite with Ladbrokes and Paddy Power.

“I’m not budging”, says Azalea-Sprouts. “I’m not going on that reality telly thing and that’s the last of it.”

However, the letters have been flooding in from desperate TV executives trying to convince him to be on some reality programme or another. Head of programming at Dogshite TV, Zac MacBrood, told the Daily Shame: “We’ve offered him everything we’ve got – Old Brother, Young Brother, I’m a Nobody Get Me On TV, and we’ve even offered him his own Reality TV show with 24-hour coverage on a dedicated channel. He’s not budging and we really don’t know what to do.”

Now that everyone in the UK has been on reality TV, bosses are desperate for 100% coverage. Some channels have even considered paying him for appearing on the box, a phenomenon that disappeared in the late 1980s.

A spokesman at the BBC appeared baffled: “We really are lost at the moment. Alfred is the last hope for reality TV in this country. Otherwise, we’re just going to keep going round and round looking for people desperate to be famous, and everyone’s had their 15 minutes or so haven’t they.”

A torn-up contract to appear in “Waiting For God”, a senior citizens reality TV show to be shown on Bravo, lies on Alfred’s table. In it, senior citizens are given “funky” tasks and one is eliminated every Sunday just after the Antiques Roadshow.

“It’s the only one I even vaguely considered”, opines Alfred. “Just because it had the Antiques Roadshow in it. But in the small print, it says that I’d have to breakdance, moonwalk, and snog Anthea Turner. Not a chance.”