Sinners have hit out at plans to close Hell for six weeks due to renovations. The plans, drawn up by Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, are said to be “spicy” and “fun”, but have been met with widespread alarm by many.

“Where are we meant to go?” asked fraudster Nigel “Fingers” Winchester. “Hell is my home, and uncomfortable is it is, no plans have been made to re-house us during this period. I mean, sure, there’s Milton Keynes, but I’ve been there on my last three holidays and I’m not going back.”

A spokesdevil for Lucifer said that the renovations were essential: “We’ve been stuck in the 1300s for far too long now. All that stucco wallpaper… and the fire and brimstone look is just a little dated. What we were looking for was something that reflected a more modern outlook. A more “hip” kind of hell. Ever since Heaven introduced stricter regulations, we’ve been even more crowded than before, so we need major work doing.”

Satan - closing hell for renovations

“In fact, Mr Llewellyn-Bowen has proposed putting mirrors along the walls to give the impression that we have more space. That’s a major step forward. Another natty idea was to hang dried chillies from the ceiling. It fits in with the colour scheme, and Lucifer loves it.”

The River Styx is also due for a controversial makeover, as work on a dredging project is set to begin at the same time. Charon, the resident Boatman, said that his business will be severely affected and he will be seeking compensation: “How on earth am I meant to run a business when there’s all this renovation work going on? I’ll probably take a holiday for a week or so – I hear Slough is lovely at this time of year. But then? I’ve got a mortgage, just like everyone in hell. I have to pay the bills.”

Llewellyn-Bowen said that his vision for hell was to incorporate the “vibrant, dashing reds” for which hell has been so famous along with some “yummy purples” and a dash of fuchsia: “It’s just crying out for a makeover”, said the be-velveted freak. “I just can’t wait to get cracking!”