Research has revealed what everyone feared in the first place – that cats, if they could, would kill us all.

“There is incontrovertible evidence”, says leading feline expert Mark Wretched-Jones. “If they had the chance, we’d be dead meat.”

Scientists carried out experiments on cats, giving them temporary opposable thumbs. At first, the cats appeared apprehensive as they learned how to operate the thumbs, but after a few minutes, they quickly went to the kitchen draw, got out a knife and started chasing the scientists around the lab.

“We believe that Mother Nature has taken their opposable thumbs away for a good reason”, said Wretched-Jones. “Even the fat cats, once they have lifted their enormous stomachs, have already devised ways of trying to kill us. Mr Tiddles, for example, may weight in at 35kg, but he still managed to find the rat poison in the cupboard and mix it into my food using a spoon while I wasn’t looking.”

There are, however, advantages to the new opposable thumbs. Several cats have become completely independent of their owners, mixing up meals that they could only have dreamed of without the thumbs. One cat known as “Futwick the Cat” whipped up a rabbit fricassee with fresh herbs and mustard, while others have reaped the benefits by learning how to plump up their own cushions.

However, it is clearly murder that is uppermost on the feline brain. Two scientists remain held hostage in the laboratory after two cats named George and Pudding ran amok with a set of kitchen knives. Whether the pussies are demanding ransom terms or not is unknown at this time, as no one understands their caterwauling.