The British Chess community is up in arms over news that the British Chess Board is looking into ways of “spicing up” the game. A drop in revenue, and flagging audiences mean that the BCB has been casting glances towards the creators of Twenty20 cricket and the World Darts Championship.

One of the initial proposals involves speeding the game of chess up so that there has to be a winner in 20 minutes. “This is the average attention span of your average Brit”, said Winstanley Bishop, head of the BCB. “We really need to bring chess to a new generation, and this is most definitely the way forward.”

Other proposals include playing chess in a boxing ring, and making the players walk out to flashing lights and “Eye of the Tiger”, while TV screens flash up their favourite food and music.

“Bish bash bosh, that’s what we want, ” added Bishop, “A bit of sex and glamour. We even approached the BBC for Strictly Chess, where celebrities pair up with famous chess players and become grand masters over a 14-week period. We eliminate one celebrity every week. I thought that would have gone down well but the BBC just looked at me as if I was stupid.”

Leading chess players, however, are less keen. Ivan Rukovich-Pawn told the Daily Shame that he was unsure about the new dress code: “I really don’t want to play chess wearing nothing but a skimpy leotard. And I don’t really have a special manoeuvre for the commentators to focus on. I just play chess.”