A 5-year-old boy from Buttsock-on-the-Wold has strenuously denied accusations from fellow primary school-goers that he is at an advanced stage in the construction of a nuclear reactor in his parents’ back garden.

“It’s not true, it’s not true, it’s not true”, said Joshua, for once removing the lolly from his mouth. “Look at me. I’m five years old. How on earth do you think I’d have developed the talent for nuclear fission at my age? I don’t even know how to build a neutron moderator yet, and I barely know what a Standby Liquid Control System is. Really, people. Sort it out.”

However, evidence has been mounting after classmates posted pictures of the boy carrying uranium rods on the social networking site Facebook. The boy has also been seen by neighbours ferrying basic metal construction parts from an unmarked delivery van into his back garden, and was recently spotted at the local library reading a book called “Fission for Kids”. His feet barely touched the floor, even in the seats found in the children’s section.

“All I’m doing is playing”, insisted Joshua, looking all coy and innocent. “Is that against the law now?”

The situation spiralled out of control last Sunday when it was revealed that Joshua had entered into high-level talks with Iranian premier Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. The bearded leader has told close allies that he is “fond of the little chappie” and that he believes he “has a great future”. However, when questioned by members of the press, he said “I was merely helping him with a maths problem. He’s only just learnt what numbers are, for chrissakes, he needs a little help. His father just sits around all day and watches X-Factor, eating burgers. You Western slobs just don’t want to help your children build nuclear reac… I mean, solve simple equations.”

Classmate Aleeyshahhhx, also aged 5, told The Daily Shame: “I think he’s a cutie. I hope he is building a nuclear reactor because then he can nuke Jayyde. She’s always pulling my hair and I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.”

His teacher, Mrs Roehampton, says that Joshua is a “quiet boy”, and sometimes looks like he is planning the ultimate destruction of the world, but adds: “most kids do when they’re at that age. If he is building a nuclear reactor, I’m sure he’ll grow out of it soon.”