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The Daily Shame | August 30, 2014

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Attack on pope was “insurance scam” says Cardinal

A senior cardinal has admitted that last week’s attack on the Pope was a staged “insurance scam”, prepared for meticulously by Pope Benedict himself.

Cardinal Stronzo di Natale of Genoa said that he was approached by the Pope’s henchman last week to play a part in the prepared scenario which would net the pontiff several thousand pounds in insurance claims.

Those claims would have been even greater if the woman who had attacked the Pope had carried out the scenario in full. “They asked me to attack him”, said Stronzo di Natale, “and then to run amok brandishing a burning staff. I would set fire to a few things – naturally, not expensive ones – and burgle the Vatican before running off into the night.”

“Of course”, admitted Stronzo di Natale, “I flat out refused. They tried to placate me by saying that I didn’t actually have to hurt him, but it’s against my religion. Catholicism, that is. It looks like they found some woman to do it for them.”

The Pope was unavailable for comment, but it appears that the Catholic Church’s financial woes are pushing him to even greater lengths to raise funds. Only last week, the Pope put some unwanted furniture on ebay, and is reportedly behind a number of e-mail scares sent out last week proclaiming that “God has left you a million pounds, give me your bank account number and sort code and we’ll send it to you.”

“The church is well strapped right now”, said Stronzo di Natale. “After my meeting with the Pope’s henchmen, they held me upside down and shook me for pennies. I only had a few euros on me, but they took them all the same.”

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