A group of Anglican extremists have attacked Cackwater shopping centre in Gutborough. There are no casualties, although several people are reported to be “quite confused”.

The attack took place at midday outside the local branch of TK Maxx. A bomb, made from cake mixture and “hundreds and thousands” was left in front of the store and exploded, leaving two men splattered and one man needing counselling. Shoppers ran for cover, fearing that the cake-bomb was the first of many, but were disappointed.

Shortly after the attack, a video appeared on the Anglican fundamentalist website extremistvicars.co.uk claiming that “all those who do not worship the Lord shall lead a rather average life” and that “if you do not follow the path of Jesus Christ, then I shall wag my finger at you”.

The alleged leader of the Anglican Fundamentalist group, Valerie Bin-Liner, said that the campaign was aimed at “all those who don’t attend church, i.e. everyone”. Police have been tracking Bin-Liner for the last two years, and have as yet been unsuccessful. Sightings have been frequent; latest reports say that she is hiding out in a box room in Cheltenham.

Anglican fundamentalism is growing in the UK. A group of women were arrested two months ago after putting excessive amounts of sugar in the tea of supposed “disbelievers”, while another woman was arrested after trying to ram her bicycle into the side of a nightclub.

An elderly man escaped the clutches of police officers after an attempt to hijack the number 51 bus to Gropple town centre. The driver, who has undergone counselling to recover from the harrowing experience, said “he approached me and said that he had a cake-bomb strapped to his waist and that I should divert the bus to Scrimpton. Naturally, I did as he asked – it was only the next village, and he appeared quite determined. The passengers were almost frightened – both of them. I kept my calm and drove the bus to Scrimpton, where he said ‘thank you’ in a menacing manner, and got off the bus. That’s when I called the police.”

Locals in Gutborough, however, are fearing another wave of Anglican attacks, and have been advised not to eat any cakes until the situation has eased.