Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
Alfred Azalea-Sprouts is a man who has shied away from the glare of publicity all his life. Unfortunately for him, he has become famous as the last person in the UK never to have appeared on reality TV. Bookmakers have been taking bets on which reality TV show he will finally appear on, with “Come Dine With Me” the current 11/8 favourite with Ladbrokes and Paddy Power.
A 5-year-old boy from Buttsock-on-the-Wold has strenuously denied accusations from fellow primary school-goers that he is at an advanced stage in the construction of a nuclear reactor in his parents’ back garden.
Fresh from controversy over claims that the Conservative Party are still a bunch of evil baby-stealing bastards, David Cameron has gone even further in distancing himself from the party’s history by renaming the party the Cameron Party.
The Advertising standards agency has slammed Marks and Spencer after it was revealed that their new Christmas adverts contain subliminal messages encouraging consumers to eat more trans fats, and in one shocking scenario, worship the devil.
A group of Anglican extremists have attacked Cackwater shopping centre in Gutborough. There are no casualties, although several people are reported to be “quite confused”.
As Bunjit Singh surveyed the factory floor, a twinkle appeared to shine in his eye. That twinkle was one of pride; pride that a project many said would never come to fruition had indeed proved a success. “Christmas may never have happened were it not for us”, said Singh. Delhi Christmas Enterprises (DCE) was awarded the contract for Christmas by Lapland Corporation back in April with the remit of making Christmas not just “good”, but “great”.
His was a career that spanned generations and enlightened many. As the man in the Bungle bear suit on Rainbow, Alan Portly-Frucksuit had the world at his feet. Today, however, he is displaying disturbingly bear-like symptoms that doctors say are potentially irreversible, and possibly disastrous.
Sinners have hit out at plans to close Hell for six weeks due to renovations. The plans, drawn up by Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, are said to be “spicy” and “fun”, but have been met with widespread alarm by many. “Where are we meant to go?” asked fraudster Nigel “Fingers” Winchester. “Hell is my home, and uncomfortable is it is, no plans have been made to re-house us during this period. I mean, sure, there’s Milton Keynes, but I’ve been there on my last three holidays and I’m not going back.”
Research has revealed what everyone feared in the first place – that cats, if they could, would kill us all. “There is incontrovertible evidence”, says leading feline expert Mark Wretched-Jones. “If they had the chance, we’d be dead meat.” Scientists carried out experiments on cats, giving them temporary opposable thumbs. At first, the cats appeared apprehensive as they learned how to operate the thumbs, but after a few minutes, they quickly went to the kitchen draw, got out a knife and started chasing the scientists around the lab.
Riotous Scarborough-based comedy duo the Chuckle Brothers have reportedly failed in a suicide pact that went badly wrong. “It was a slapstick disaster” said their agent, Jan Bearsuit-Jones. “They couldn’t have planned it better.”
The writing had been on the wall for many months, according to friends close to the comedy duo. One source told the Daily Shame that despite numerous efforts to revive their flagging careers, they were at their wits end, and had nowhere else to turn.
William Hague admits YMCA stay ill-judged
BBC Breakfast viewer in critical condition
Tour operator Bazzo’s Holidays 4 U collapses, leaves holidaymakers stranded
Dirty Stones have no complaints over Naomi Campbell gift
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
