Vladimir Putin “Too much truth here. Kill the journalist.”
Sarah PALIN “Do I come here for the truth? You betcha!”
A senior cardinal has admitted that last week’s attack on the Pope was a staged “insurance scam”, prepared for meticulously by Pope Benedict himself. Cardinal Stronzo di Natale of Genoa said that he was approached by the Pope’s henchman last week to play a part in the prepared scenario which would net the pontiff several thousand pounds in insurance claims.
A Nigerian internet scammer has managed to scam himself out of over £5,000. Winston M’Bahh, a serial scammer, said that he was “extremely embarrassed” and was unsure of how he was ever going to be able to live this one down. “I’m usually so careful”, said M’Bahh. “But it’s been such a good year, I’ve had scams going on all over the world. Unfortunately, it turns out that I was scamming myself for a large part of it, and I didn’t even realise.”
Historians have unearthed evidence that Manchester City’s plot to replace Mark Hughes with Roberto Mancini was actually planned as far back as the Middle Ages. The heinous plotting by City Chief Executive Garry Cook was actually part of a centuries-old plan devised by his ancestors.
The residents of the small Berkshire village of Bray are tonight battoning down the hatches as it was revealed that Heston Blumenthal had been attacked by his own food. The rogue dish has escaped his laboratory and run on the rampage through the village.
Police have proudly proclaimed victory after smashing a lucrative tooth fairy ring. The tooth fairy herself is in policy custody at the moment awaiting questioning. The investigation lasted several years and has cost the tax payer over £5m, something that the police say is “well and truly worth it.”
Leading banks have been rapped by the government after it was revealed that they were cashing in with new charges on their customers. Rupert Quornbread, the government’s banking Tsar, said that the banks were “taking liberties” with their customers’ earnings by hitting them with charges that were “bang out of order”.
You can always trust BBC3 to come up with something new and innovative, and that’s exactly what they’ve done with Shitwatch, hosted by Bill Oddie and Melinda Messenger. Last night’s startling episode followed a family of 5 whose defecation rituals were an absolute hoot.
A hush fell upon the table as key talks began at the Wyvern Pub in East Finchstead last night; key talks that could define the very future of the world. In the one corner, representing “the common man”, Dave Davison. In the other corner, representing “the other common man”, Jim Barrouclough-Harpison. The subject: everything that’s wrong with the world.
The British Chess community is up in arms over news that the British Chess Board is looking into ways of “spicing up” the game. A drop in revenue, and flagging audiences mean that the BCB has been casting glances towards the creators of Twenty20 cricket and the World Darts Championship.
Doctors have revealed that Germaine Greer is finally under control and is “domesticated”. The fiery feminist had spent that last two years on a bra-burning, man-hating frenzied bender, foaming at the lips and screaming obscenities at anyone who dared pass her cage.
Correction: Nick Clegg actually does eat babies
Nigeria’s Scammies Awards pay tribute to hard work and innovation
William Hague appoints himself as Lord Viceroy of India, upsets locals
Cameron condemns creator of Siobhan O’Dowd Facebook tribute page
Orange marches to include freestyle section from 2011
Polar bears exaggerating claims of global warming
Tory MP found in “horrific state of sobriety”
